moral of the story: i'm just gay

i knew i was gay when i was 6 years old. i was in the first grade. a friend at the time asked me to kiss her. looking back at this as an adult, i guess i realize that's just a strange thing that kids might do? other kids in our class heard her ask me this! because i didn't want anyone to make fun of me or tell my mom about this, i was so mean to her. in front of my whole first grade class, i was mean to a friend that had trusted me the whole school year, out of fear of what my other friends would think or do. being 6 was obviously so heavy.

for a long time this random, strange interaction stuck with me. it haunted me. i'm not kidding- i still think about this. my thoughts would range from what if i would’ve just taken the chance and my life would be colorfully different to “that’s disgusting and a sin” because i was raised in the southern, baptist church to think just that.

in high school, i had my first known crush on a girl. she was pretty much known at our school as a gay girl and i became "friends" with her knowing this. we talked every single day after school. it got to the point where if i hadn't heard from her by the time i got home, i was not happy. i would flip open my pink razr phone and insist on knowing what she was up to. such wild behavior for just a friend, right? i loved our daily calls. they last hours, and we spent the whole time flirting. a year later, she told me she liked me and i flipped out completely and told her to leave me alone forever. again, another friend who had to suffer the rage of my internalized homophobia.

so i buried these feelings and this friendship deep and kept pushing. i started dating guys because it's what all of my friends were doing. i had to make it work with all of my boyfriends. i didn't need the cloudiness of women in my head.

fast forward to college where i revisited these extremely suppressed feelings about girls and dated my first one secretly for a year- never even coming out to that girl or even admitting i actually liked women, which is wild. how does one go a whole year with seeing someone daily, being intimate with them and never even owning up to being on a gay spectrum? i was a wild one lol.

i dated a couple girls after this, while still maintaining my gayness innocence and only publicly dating guys.

i eventually had a girlfriend in college and even then i would be like “oh i definitely still LOVE guy. psh. i'm only like 20% into women" (spoiler: i didn’t like guys and i was 100% in love with women. lol.) i was just too scared for anyone to know what i thought about women, how much i actually loved and appreciated them.

then i met my best friend, my girlfriend. the now love of my damn life. i knew this girl was the one for me when after a week of knowing her, she told me that her favorite snack (like mine) is popcorn with popcorn seasoning on top. she hadn’t come out yet to anyone in her life when we were dating. but she quickly let me know how proud our love made her, and that it gave her the full courage to tell the world and her family. it was a rough ride with some of her family at first, but they’re all so wildly accepting and loving and i’m so grateful.

i have no shame in loving her. i’m so proud that it’s sickening lol. it’s such an amazing feeling to be out and proud, after all the struggles i faced alone and as a couple.

↠ from unaccepting families + parents (still on my end), to being Black and gay, to being the only friend in the group that’s gay, to being out at work. it has been a ride that i don't regret.

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i'm taylor! i'm a lover of all things pro Black, LGBTQ+, and mental health. i love to write about the world around me and things i haven't always understood. i'd prefer to write about my dogs all day, but this is just as good! 

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